Have You Seen The Size Of Van's?
by The Moon Godesses
Summary: Van overhears a conversation between Milerna and Hitomi, "Have you seen the size of Van's?" as well as other deep sentiments about the darkest secrets of the charcter's sex lives. Van: It's all a REALLY bad misunderstanding... right? RIGHT?! ~ Heh heh heh


Hey people!

I bet you don't recognize us under this name!

We are Planeswalker and Chibi Tenshi No Sky (formerly Chibi-Stacey), respectively.

So enjoy.

Disclaimer: La la la. Don't own Escaflowne. La la la.

  
  


****

  
  


Van was walking down the hallway in the castle of Fanelia past Hitomi's guestroom when he heard a snippet of a conversation between her and Milerna:

Hitomi: Have you seen the size of Van's? 

Van's eyes grew very wide, and he pressed his ear to the keyhole to hear the rest of what they were saying. Here's what he heard.

Hitomi: Would you believe that it's actually bigger then Allen's? 

Milerna: It's true! It seems really small at first, but then it, like, grows!

Hitomi: Poor Dilandau doesn't even really have one. But I've seen him make one pretty quicky when he needs to. Can you believe he wanted to impale Van with his?

Milerna: Poor guy. Pretty impressive though.

Hitomi: Folken's isn't for decoration either. He's told me he's totally killed a lot of men with it.

Milerna: Allen's not that bad with his, even though it's smaller. He told me about how they were on the Vione and he got Chesta from behind.

Hitomi: Don't forget Gaddis and his men. They like play with theirs all together.

Milerna: How about Dryden? I know has one, but it's more then a decoration for him then anything else. He's never even used it before. He told me so himself.

Merle: And have you seen Chid's? He has the cutest little one.

Van couldn't take anymore of this. He took off down the hall in search of the first person who would listen. He saw Allen across the courtyard and ran with a desperate look on his face over to him. Allen stopped him.

"What's the matter Van?"

"Aah!! Get off me you child molester!!" Allen had a very puzzled look on his face.

"Hun? What are you talking about?"

"I heard what you did to Chesta that day on the Vione!! Get away!!" Allen turned bright red.

Van spotted Celena smelling the roses and remembered Hitomi saying she'd seen Dilandau's. He walked over to Celena and began to shake her violently.

"Dilandau!!! I know you're in there somewhere!! What were you doing with Hitomi??" Celena looked very distraught and puzzled. Van began to slap her across the face repetitively. "What- *smack* were- *smack* you- *smack* doing- *smack* with Hitomi?! *smack smack* Celena suddenly transformed into a very upset Dilandau. He was about to murder Van when he looked down and saw he was wearing a pink frilly dress.

"What the FUCK?!" cried Dilandau, "Why are you here?! And why am I wearing A PINK DRESS?!" 

He shrieked, pulling away from Van and tearing it off leaving him with nothing on. He ran away before Van could ask any questions about his 'wanting to impale him'."

"Hmmm. Hitomi's wrong. He does have one." Van saw Dryden in the window and began to laugh. 

"This could be some serious blackmail time..." Van went upstairs to where Dryden was walking down the hall.

"Dryden?"

"Yeah, Van?"

"I heard a little rumour about you..." That caught his attention really quickly.

"What?"

"That you and Milerna have never... in fact... you've never..." Van coughed. "...with anyone."

Dryden became a deep shade of scarlet.

"That's not your business Van." He then locked himself in his guestroom.

"Have you seen Gaddis?" he asked loudly through the door.

"No. He's on the Crusade with his men. No one is supposed to disturb him." 

"Umm... okay..."

Van wandered off in search of a person to confide in. He saw his brother sitting on the steps. Van cleared his throat and walked over to him.

"Brother... why didn't you ever tell me about... your... umm..."

"My what Van?" he asked in a good-natured tone.

"I'm not really sure how to say this but..." he trailed off.

"What is it? Are you concerned about something Van?"

"Well, yes. If you put it that way..."

"Just tell me Van."

"Why have you never told me about... I'll put it this way: Folken, do you drive your carriage on the other side of the road?"

"Pardon?"

"Do you, um, prefer the company of gentlemen?" Folken's eyes narrowed.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You don't take your vino straight, do you?"

"I- I don't get it!"

"Are you over friendly with the same sex?"

"What are you trying to say Van?!" yelled Folken in frustration.

"Are you gay?" yelled Van back.

"I most certainly... Go away! That's my own business!!" replied Folken indignantly.

"B- brother?" asked Van weakly. 

"Go away Van!" yelled the elder as he got up and stalked inside the castle. Van wore look of utter shock on his face. 

"B- brother...?" he whimpered quietly. "I really didn't want to know that. This is all Hitomi's fault!" he ran off back towards the bedroom and flung open the door, drawing his sword. Hitomi ignored the angry look on Van's face.

"See Milerna, the one he carries with him is smaller, but the other one is huge!"

"You sick, sick people!" he cried. "How did you find out all those things anyway?!"

"Find out what?" asked Merle.

"All those disgusting things, you know, the stuff about Allen and Chesta... and my brother!!"

"What are talking about?"

"I heard your conversation earlier! You were all like 'Have you seen the size of Van's' and it getting bigger and Allen 'getting Chesta from behind' on the Vione and something about Dilandau not having one and wanting me and..." Van shuddered. Hitomi burst out laughing.

"We were talking about the size of your swords you baka!"

"Ugh!! You sick, sick, SICK people!!" Milerna blushed. 

"Not those swords... you know, that you fight with in battle, like fencing and stuff. The ones you have and the ones with your 'melefs." Van looked extremely sheepish.

"You mean you were talking about our swords, not our... 'swords'."

"Exactly."

"So then Allen didn't molest Chesta, And Folken isn't gay, and Dryden may have... and Gaddis isn't off playing with his men... and you haven't seen Dilandau's...?" Van trailed off and Hitomi smiled.

"I never said that..."

  
  


End

  
  


****

  
  


Heh heh heh.

Swords.

This came from a phone conversation with Hecate (aka Chibi) 

Yuppers.

So.. Review!

Any challenges or such, feel free to e-mail us.

Yuppers.

See y'all soon. *^~^*

  
  


~Artemis (aka Pyro)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
